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Saturday, January 4, 2003
01:32 p.m.



Close my eyes:
inner core inferno
I've lost.

Friday, January 3, 2003
04:29 p.m.



I've been so bitter lately, on and off and on and off. It's very stupid and shallow and meaningless. I swear that I am cursed with melodrama. I'm just too damned melodramatic, I've said. Too theatrical. Too sensitive. That's not to say all of it is superficial, or that any of it is, because it's all honest. I just have a personality that over-emphasizes things. It's a real pain in the ass sometimes, too.

Other than that, I know I had something else to say, but I'm really rather tired (as I should be - it's almost four o'clock in the morning). I think I'll be off to snatch some sleep for a while. I have a lot to do tomorrow.

Friday, January 3, 2003
03:31 a.m.



I don't even know exactly what to say. I am so hurt. And angry. Why? Well, I'm sure it was entertaining watching me slam my head against those rungs on the way down. I can't take anymore. I help, I love, I remained patient. Does any of it matter? Maybe I am just 'naive.'

I still have a headache. I don't care what the hell I write here, that it's all some tainted mixture of emotions I always keep bottled up. Title it 'drama,' if that's what you want. There's nothing I can do that would negate anyone's beliefs, as wrong as they might be.

Thursday, January 2, 2003
11:59 a.m.



It's 2003. Another year, another year..

Spent last night trying to get drunk and failing miserably. Then I gave up. Listened to Counting Crows, visited a few friends for darts, video games, fireworks, and scrabble - finally went home around four in the morning. It was a fairly good night, for the most part.

---

"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." - Cheshire Cat

Wednesday, January 1, 2003
01:36 p.m.



I feel rather detached.

And as I watch my fellow acquaintances waste their life away with alcohol, weed, and sex - how can you blame me for wondering if I'm depriving myself in some shallow way? But no, it's not worth it to wonder too long. I'm not a spineless ignoramus who has no goals in life. So shun me and mock me, you fools. I'm used to it.

Tuesday, December 31, 2002
03:09 a.m.



Wrenching infuriation growing, knotted deep. I can never be enough, can I? Ladder-games. Was I kicked down a few rungs? I don't thrive to waste my time with climbs. I believe I'm just too beaten now. There shouldn't be a ladder. Or do I simply imagine that piece of upright wood, out of my own fear perhaps? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

A New Year's party and I'm obliged to go. Wonderful. I'll ramble another time.

Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping through my hands

Monday, December 30, 2002
03:23 p.m.



I l l u m i n a t i o n

When you asked for light, I set myself on fire.

Thursday, December 26, 2002
11:56 p.m.



Christmas? Well, let's just say I am glad it's over for various reasons.

I hope everyone else enjoyed theirs.

Too bad it never snowed.

Thursday, December 26, 2002
02:49 p.m.



..chronic nightmare sufferers have an elevated level of pathology, artistic, and creative tendencies, high levels of openness and vulnerability, lack of defense mechanisms, variable and unsettled social relationships, fluid sexual identities, and high sensitivity, in terms of both interpersonal relations as well as perceptual sensitivity.

I can't say that I agree with all of that, but .. ahem. Nevermind the fact that it said something else, that wasn't exactly heart-warming and that hit a little too close to home.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002
12:47 a.m.



Call it a case of Christmas depression. Whatever. My headache never ceased, only grew steadily worse, and now every square inch of my being is weakened with it. I very nearly black out every time I attempt even stand. I'd better hope I'm not getting sick again..

Other than that, just finished up wrapping presents. Now that I look at them, all wrapped and colourful beneath the tree, it makes me all the more crestfallen, as if none of it matters and no matter how hard I try or how far I go, none of it ever will.

Strangest, darkest dreams last night. Again. That's been happening almost every time I sleep now. The other morning, I woke up screaming and weeping it was so dreadful. After returning home late last night, for the entire trip all smashed up in the back of my brother's Laser - and after I finally got my knees to unlock themselves - I eventually forced myself into bed around six o'clock in the morning. Slept far too long. Dreams of .. being bled from wrist, ankles, stomach, neck, in a nearly pitch black room, strapped to a table .. losing my sanity .. I was, stumbling through the snow. I remember a few names, "Benvinito" and "Leonal." I couldn't breathe. I've had chest pains all day since then.

Oh, but this is not a "woe-as-me" entry. I just wanted to write, to focus myself, and I'm going to try ending with a happier note.

Merry Christmas, to all of my friends, here and irl, though they are few. I hope you enjoy your day, and your Eve also. If I do not see or speak with you sooner, then a Happy New Year as well. I love you all very much.

Monday, December 23, 2002
11:13 p.m.



I've been told before, to make it to the light you have to find a way to see it first. Embrace thoughts that make you find sanity again, that calm your very soul. They can save your life. Out of personal need alone, perhaps, I jot mine down. Sometimes little things really do matter the most.


- quiet neighborhood, shadowed by great overhanging trees above the length of the street, cobblestone
- that angels really do exist, the beauty of their nature forever etched with outspread wings, no matter the form

- the love of a pet, the silent reassurance it offers, the soul beside you, that will never shut you out or abandon you

- the indescribable rush of emotions when listening to your favourite music, how it touches something deep within

- the warmth and aroma of hot tea as it slides down your throat, like there really is hope left, like it could make all worries fade away

- being embraced from behind, having someone slip their arms through yours, feeling them against you, or vice versa, holding someone, the link, the bond, the strength of that embrace

- falling asleep alone, and having someone stroke your hair softly, wrap a blanket over you, like someone in the world actually does care

- giving simple gifts that mean more than anything else ever could, a rose, a poem, a promise

- knowing there is more to life than just the physical, knowing that if you never give up you will ultimately find truth

- being unique, being individual, loving every moment of it, knowing no one can ever take that away from you

- walking in the rain, walking in the snow, marveling at the beauty of it, at the sensation, as if that moment was all that ever mattered

- being true to yourself, remaining loyal to those who matter most to you, being appreciated, being accepted, being loved

- losing yourself, and having someone care enough to gently lead you back

Saturday, December 21, 2002
03:10 a.m.



Bear with me. Too many thoughts.. and I'll sort this out later. Call it, a release.

---

Impenetrable eyes - I can see straight through them. You think you're so bloody invincible. You think you're so high, so near, so lovely, so worthy, so scream, screaming inside, get it out, let me go, let me out .. You watched me blankly, j e a l o u s y, what is this? No. No. No time. Never worth the lies. Don't waste my soul. Trapped - here, trapped, there and all I see is trapped. Ignorance prompts my suicide. Ignorance will kill us all in the end. Drowning - don't you know what it feels like to lose short-term memory? Black. You wake up laughing, rolling on the floor. I was pacing like a caged animal. Slap me down. Never went back. Close myself .. down on my knees, can't you see? Too tired to crawl. Too tired to beg, did I fall off your level? Fell backwards, shattered - crushed angel. But I was never an angel to begin with, so it doesn't matter. So perfect. I'm that spot on the pavement compared .. pulled my hair until it bled, trapped, trapped again in the corner, struck too many nerves, and now it all struck me, pinned against the wall, again, again - I refused to cry. Lost them all. Lost them, lost too many, and they're all still alive - thank god - but I thank nothing and everything when that is said. I need to be free. I've already found me, lost me, found me - where am I now? Why does it matter at all. Such systematic schedules, planned importance, and you lose yourself once again. I'm too much like the old ones - too much like - remember, remember, shun me as delusional, can't accept the truths I know. Can't accept I figured it out first. Silence - I can't stand these screams! I can't stand it .. no more dreams, no more dreams, please .. where's the light now? I'm just a coward.

Friday, December 20, 2002
02:55 p.m.



Did you know?

---

With the onset of World War I and the rising up of new tactics and machine guns, everyone knew the very meaning of 'war' had shifted dramatically. Both sides were stuck in the mud of the trenches; both sides knew exactly how the other felt. In the Christmas of 1914, the Germans and the French heard one another singing carols - though they could not understand the language, they understood the songs. The English and the Germans occasionally shouted Christmas greetings from one to the other. For brief moments of time, the hatred stopped. The depth of wartime psychological damage began here. Everyone realized these were real people they were killing, not just targets.

---

After World War II, when Hitler's Germany crumbled, the remaining survivors of the concentration camps were finally released. Well, so we believe. Those marked with the pink triangles - homosexuals - were taken from the camps and thrown into prison for the rest of their lives.

---

Ignorance is inexcusable. Knowledge really is power.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002
01:13 p.m.



Humourous little bit. At least I thought so.

- this evening -

I walked into work, dressed in my usual attire: uniform, black trench and skullcup. Passing one of the other employees going the opposite direction, I noticed he paused in his tracks and turned around. I glanced over at him just as the words slipped from his mouth. 'You look like Death, man.' I wasn't sure I heard him right, and offered him a quizzical smile. He started to gesture, 'You know, the guy.. with the..' Just then, another of the employees (my manager, actually - attractive girl) cut in, '..with the scythe. The grim reaper.' The first employee nodded and added, 'Yeah, you're tall, with that trenchcoat and the black pants, all black. You look like Death.' I was smirking at the both of them at this point, thoroughly amused. He went off to take a break. About ten minutes later he came back and walked over to me, as if he'd been pondering it the whole time he was off, and started it up again.

Sunday, December 15, 2002
03:13 a.m.



Did you happen to catch
Or did it happen so fast
What you thought would always last
Has passed you by

Is everything speeding up
Or am I slowing down
I'm just spinning around
And I don't know why
All the pieces don't fit
But I really didn't give a shit
I never wanted to be like you
But for all I aspire
I am really a liar
And I'm running out of things I can do

I'd like to stay
But every day
Everyone pushes me farther away
If you could show
Help me to know
How it's supposed to be
Where did it go?

Pleading and
Needing and
Bleeding and
Breeding and
Feeding
Exceeding
Where is everybody?

Trying and
Lying
Defying
Denying
Crying and
Dying
Where is everybody?

Well okay, enough
You've had your fun
But come on there's got to be someone
That hasn't yet become
So numb
And succumb

Goddamn, I am so tired of pretending
Of wishing I was ending
When all I'm really doing is trying to hide
Keep it inside
Fill it with lies
Open my eyes
Maybe I wish I could try

Pleading and
Needing and
Bleeding and
Breeding and
Feeding
Exceeding
Where is everybody?

Trying and
Lying
Defying
Denying
Crying and
Dying
Where is everybody?

Saturday, December 14, 2002
12:43 p.m.



Where is everybody? (see above) That's all I really have to ask. Maybe I should get myself a 'livejournal' and have places to reply to these posts? Then again, maybe that's not such a bright idea.

It's been so silent for a while now. Oh well, it might just be the holidays. The holidays are always silent, for various reasons. :snaps fingers: And I still haven't gotten that package sent out yet! Mmky. Must do that today.

Hm. You know, those lyrics speak on more than one level. Actually, they speak on almost every level. I suppose I'd be the only one to notice.

Saturday, December 14, 2002
12:36 p.m.



It's kind of like picking at your food. To brood.
A sudden w a v e of darkness.
A sudden sting, for no good reason.

Friday, December 13, 2002
01:59 a.m.



Some small and sudden jolt of -
WHAM!
It hit me in the back of the head,
jogging jealousy and addiction.
I remember!
I remember.
Golden locks..
I remember hating them all.
Hating them all but you.
How far have we gone from then?
Locked myself alone, at home, in the night.
Candlelight. I was going mad.
They were all out to destroy me.
Scorn me. Kill me.
I couldn't protect you, need you to leave!
Save yourself.
Stay.
And where are we now?
'My friend.'
Why do I always find you.
Why do I always lose you.
Why do you always leave me.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002
11:24 p.m.



Take my hand.
Live while you can.
Don't you see your dreams are right
in the palm of your hand?

Please come with me,
See what I see.
Touch the stars for time will not flee.
Time will not flee.
Can you see?

---

There's hope somewhere, some sort of positive outlook on life and love and purpose. It's not always easy to find. Rather, it's exceedingly difficult for some, if not most, people, including me. But when I finally find it, even if it happens to be a brief glimpse, I have something to hold on to until the next time I see that shooting star pass me by.

Monday, December 9, 2002
01:32 a.m.



I've gotten myself so riled up, and it's eating at me. They say I'm too argumentative and volatile, that I'm too angry and melancholy. I really am on the end of my tether here tonight, and I'm afraid of past tendencies resurfacing. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I never had intentions to anger or upset anyone. Never. It seems I've been doing just that, with everyone I know.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I don't think I have anything left to say.

Thursday, December 5, 2002
01:23 a.m.



I can't hear your voice,
but you know I feel your soul.

---

I've finished the third book. Finally. On to the next..

Finals this week and the next, and then after that - freedom. Well, for a little while at least. I need to send that package out soon.

Starving.

I should get that deer put together anyway, set the tree up. I shall return, tonight.

Wednesday, December 4, 2002
03:03 p.m.



Touched.
You say that I am too.
So much of what you say is true.
I値l never find someone quite like you,
again.
I値l never find someone quite like you,
like you.

The razors and the dying roses
plead I don稚 leave you alone;
The demi-gods and hungry ghosts
god, god knows I知 not at home.

I値l never find someone quite like you,
again!
I値l never find someone quite like you,
again..

I looked into your eyes and
saw a world that does not exist.
I looked into your eyes and
saw a world I wish I was in..

I値l never find someone quite as touched as you.
I値l never love someone quite the way
That I --
loved you.


Listen to my heart breaking > touched, by Vast



Monday, December 2, 2002
01:22 p.m.

---

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